I've been really grumpy lately, and it's been getting in the way of posting. Kinda sucks that I named my blog "Finding Joy in Simple Things". Doesn't leave much room for complaining.
What has been making me so grumpy? I ask myself that 100 times a day, and I still don't really know. I think it has something to do with having so many things to do and not feeling like I am doing any of them well, or efficiently. If I was more efficient I would have more time for writing. If I was more efficient I would be able to focus on the kids or Paul when I am with them. I wouldn't have piles of papers on my desk, my chair, my dresser. The shower leak would be fixed, and the kitchen wouldn't still be pink and green. My attention would be less divided and I would be more present. My house would be organized, my files in order, the bills paid. Instead I am perpetually distracted, and none of those things are ever achieved.
We are in Tahoe now...the lake ("aqua blue" according to Oscar) is just visible from the cabin we rented this weekend. Tall conifers boasting humongous pine cones surround us, and the air is cleaner, fresher. Yesterday we managed a 5 mile hike with all 3 kids. Quite a feat, made possible only by Paul's willingness to carry Ruby on his shoulders a good part of the time. Oscar was a trouper, and Abe probably could have done the whole thing in half the time, but he was patient and encouraging of his siblings.
And yet, I was still grumpy. I cannot easily step away from my responsibilities even 3 hours from home. Today, during nap time, I spent at least an hour replying to emails from Oscar's therapists about events of the past week. We have a great team again this year, but transitions are always hard. Oscar's new OT is energetic and full of ideas, but Oscar keeps having huge tantrums during his sessions with her. I want her to know it is not her fault. I want to give her some strategies. It was important to write that email.
I also got an email from Oscar's behavior specialist. She is the best in the school district, and I'm still not quite sure how we got her because these days she only does trainings and has only a small handful of children that she follows directly. Oscar is one of those few kids. She's been working with us since Kindergarten. I interviewed her before I even consented to her working on Oscar's case. Even in K I knew that we could waste a lot of time with someone who was not adequately trained. This woman far exceeded my greatest hopes for a behaviorist. She watched the full five hours of PWS videos I gave her before she even met Oscar, and came to the table with a great understanding of the challenges PWS presents. She is about to go on maternity leave and has been observing O in the classroom, talking to his aides and teachers, and making suggestions to tide us over until she returns. Usually I would be there when she walked out of the classroom after an observation to catch the debriefing. Usually we would strategize together. But this time I forgot she was even coming until the day after. Sure we were celebrating Ruby's 5th birthday at school and packing for Tahoe, but I FORGOT.
So I sent these emails off today, Sunday, while in Tahoe, and within an hour had heard back from Oscar's aide, his OT and the behavior specialist. It was really pretty amazing. I know I am lucky, I know Oscar is lucky, to have such a dedicated team. More dedicated than me sometimes. I felt the weight lift just a bit, and I forgave myself for not always being on it. Today I was, and that is good.
The weight lifted a tiny bit more when Paul made us both a cocktail and together with the kids we watched our old photos in a random slideshow on my new computer. It was a miracle to me that the computer didn't crash, as the old one would have. It was a miracle that the kids weren't bickering. We were all together in this beautful spot, enjoying being together. For once, I was "in the moment" enjoying what IS, rather than thinking about what should or would or could be.
So, in the end, I am reporting on the joy in simple things, like an excellent team and good cheese, olives and a derby while watching old pictures, even ones of Oscar as a baby, and feeling happy, connected, and grateful for those near me and also those who work so hard to make Oscar's life so much smoother.
And with that I am hoping to be here more regularly again, grumpy or not. Because you know, even when I am really really grumpy I still like to write. Beware!
Keep writing, even when you're grumpy. I have so missed hearing from you! And maybe you need some of us out here to tell you to take it easy on all the lists of "to dos." You're a pretty incredible mother who has had a lot on her plate this year (and others, I imagine!). My motto last year, when things got out of hand was "just say no." Maybe you should just say no when that voice tells you to be more organized, more efficient, etc.
ReplyDelete